I left this morning from home and soon found my glasses soaked with salty liquid that poured from eyes as I drove down that endless highway. I have absolutely no clue why I was so broken. Why I hurt so bad on the inside.
I guess I will never know why or what was going on inside but as I kept driving I found myself questioning. I questioned joy, happiness, the presence of Christ in my heart, what would happen after death, and where would I be in 5 years. My mind races so endlessly for no reason. I have every single thing I want or need in life, yet I wasn't happy. I cried my eyes out for an hour straight and then some.
I guess my answer to this is human beings, not plural but each one, cannot make it on their own. We cannot survive, live happily or even push ourselves to live another day without the help of something else. In my case its the joy of Christ. Not to mention a little pill I take once a day with food or milk.
I think that we will always try to find happiness in things but we won't ever find true happiness here on earth because the things we dwell in are so fickle. I believe that happiness here is so short-term and, like hard drugs, only takes us as far as our next hit. We thrive for more and more and bigger and bigger until we find ourselves driving down a highway and our sleeves covered in snot from the on going crying. Christ is the only thing that gives me hope. He promises me that tomorrow will be better and if I only make it past this moment where my emotions are drowning out His voice than everything will be fine. He promises me that when I get to Heaven I will find the true happiness that I spend every freaking waking moment of my insufficient life searching for.
Everything is fine. I guess I just need to let my emotions run rampant in my car. While I was alone and quiet. They got the best of me today. Tomorrow I shall try to conquer this. I just have to wake up and tell myself that "the whole wide world is mine."
Jason
3 comments:
I am glad that you have such an amazing big sister to hash things out with and get really wise advice from. :) Love you, keep writing...
Reading that reminds me of my favorite bible verse: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, for what is seen changes, but what is unseen is eternal"...I think of this anytime I get down on myself for physical short-comings or when I just feel like all my strivings for happiness fall short. It reminds me of the bigger picture and how fleeting everything really is--to focus more on what really matters and to just have faith.
Thanks for the reminder. :)
Post a Comment